I used to think it was perfectionism. Then I thought it was people-pleasing.
Those both faded as I grew, and I still felt like I was working harder than I needed to.
So what is actually running the show?
A deeply learned, often unconscious way of moving through the world where you are constantly scanning:
What’s needed here?
Who needs support?
What will make this go well?
What’s expected of me?
You step in and (over)deliver. Because you are smart, capable, polished.
You know when to answer boldly. And when to smile and let it go, like when your boss starts speaking, because you know what is expected, and you know how to play your role.
I saw this play out clearly in my own career.
My partner’s boss used to place me right in the middle of the table between the largest benefactors. And I could feel myself shifting in real time.
You want to talk about commercial real estate? I can hang.
You are about to go to Croatia? I’m lit up, asking questions, and offering a hidden gelato spot.
You found yoga? You love the Tour de France? I’m matching your excitement.
I know exactly when to fade into the background because it's time to ask for the donation.
It’s seamless and impressive. And it’s a performance.
This behavior starts very early, especially if you are the oldest daughter.
The helpful one. The responsible one. The one who quietly keeps things together in the background.
You learn to read the room, anticipate needs, and then adjust yourself to meet the situation.
Not because anyone explicitly told you to, but because it worked.
And it is a survival mechanism. It's not fight, flight, or freeze. It's the newest addition, a subset of freeze, and it's fawn. "If I can't beat them, join them." Join them by smiling, making them feel comfortable, making the situation better, and then I can get out of here.
And this performance shows up everywhere.
In the meeting where someone says, “Can you take notes?” and you immediately say yes to not rock the boat. (Fawn).
You’re interrupted, and you smile and let it go. (Fawn).
You take the extra step to print the materials, organize the details,
make sure everything runs smoothly. (If everyone else is calm, I am safer).
The timeline you give your boss that you already know will cost you your evenings and your sleep (Fawn).
All of it… a performance.
The more you perform, the more you are rewarded with more responsibility, more trust, and higher expectations.
People-pleasing is often about seeking approval. Perfectionism is about getting it right.
Performance becomes your identity. And it is exhausting.
You can get very far away from what you actually want. You no longer know what excites you and what bores you because you have been performing for decades.
Because you’ve become so skilled at adapting, you no longer notice when you’re contorting.
I know this and have been actively shedding this for years, and I still struggle with this at times.
I am going to a networking event and feel the urge to wear big earrings even though I have spent the last 10 years wearing professional studs, and have to steady myself before I put on the bigger ones.
My partner says something in a more serious tone than what I believe the situation calls for. Do I step in or let it go?
Someone asks if they can move a meeting last minute. Do I accommodate because I am a business owner and my schedule should be more flexible than theirs?
Stepping out of performance starts with choice:
-Where will you place your time and energy?
-And can you stay steady in your own nervous system to honor that choice?
You don’t have to become someone new. You get to return to yourself.
Underneath the performance, she’s already there.
Want to interrupt this performance pattern and have no idea that to say in the moment? This video gives you the specific script to answer, "Megan, will you take notes today?" with 5 other real life scenarios.
Always in your corner,
Megan
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